Horoscope of the Apocalypse – April Fools 2018 Edition

I think I know how disappointing it must be coming here and expecting a straight horoscope. But too bad. That’s what happens when you look for hope on the internet.

Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Remember those hand buzzer things that people used to hide in the palm of their hands and then shake your hand, and then they’d bust a gut laughing because they had such empty lives that that kind of lame crapola was enough to send them into seizures and it wasn’t the hand buzzer that pissed you off as much as the way the SOB was carrying on guffawing like a fool and you felt like pushing him into traffic and then he’d slap you on the back and says no hard feelings, but you went out and slashed his tires anyway before work was over? Do you remember that?

I have pictures.

Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) C’mon, admit it. Everyday is April Fools day for Earth Signs. But what about the gag where someone ties a string to a twenty dollar bill and you see it, bend over to pick it up and the bastard pulls the string and you trip and fall flat on your face on the sidewalk where everyone can see. Don’t you hate that? Or how about when someone puts salt in the sugar bowl? And then there’s that trick where they tie a string of rags together, douse it with gasoline and run it from your gas tank to some place behind a tree or a bush and they wait until you get in the car to light it and you get all blasted to shit while you’re trying to tune in that crappy classic rock station that you love so much but that everyone else in the car pool hates.

Shit, I hate classic rock.

Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) I had a friend once who took all of the white stuff out of my Oreos and replaced it with toothpaste. Then he put them back in the bag like nothing had happened. I ate them all and didn’t say a word. I waited twenty years, until the time was right. Then I paid this unemployed guy named Jerome who cuts the lawn for my church to take the Oreo guy out to an empty field off Highway 32 and bury him alive so that just his head was sticking out of the ground because I knew the farmer was ploughing the next morning.

I think the farmer was an Air Sign.

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) So, this Water Sign chick I knew once decided to rearrange the contents of a co-worker’s desk so that when he arrived on April Fools morning everything would be all out of place. She got half way through doing it and found an envelope of photos of her friend shaking hands with a pack of aliens in the parking lot of a KFC. They were a bunch of those tall white bastards who abduct children and pets. He was all buddy-buddy with these extraterrestrials and they had all of these buckets of extra crispy chicken and all the fixin’s and their space ship was parked in a handicap space. So, she began to wonder about the guy and hired a private investigator to follow him and get more dirt on his relationship with these creepy alien types. Anyway, they found the body of the private dick in a trash compactor out back of a Pizza Hut. Now she put two and two together and realised that KFC and Pizza Hut were both owned by the Pepsi Cola Company, so she started to drink Coke instead of Pepsi until one day she choked to death on this big chunk of melamine that was in a bottle of Coke a friend brought back from China — oh shit, I forgot where I was going with this.








horoscope of the apocalypse — the haiku edition

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius),
take a self-care day
bedbugs are in your future
microwave your socks

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn),
ideas flood your head
psychiatrist prescribes meds
you sell them on street

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius),
you think you’re so smart
with your fancy little car
city has you towed

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces),
more problems at home
avoid eye contact with them
put sand in their food

Horoscope of the Apocalypse, the happy new year 2015 edition

why not read them all?

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius), 2015 will present many traps that will drastically effect your mood, overall. That’s why it might be the right time for you to buy a pet, a nice little mutt you can name Roderick and abandon all alone in a strange city. Why? Because Fire Signs are dynamic and larger than life. You don’t need some mangy little mongrel named Roderick with that goofy cone thing they wear, cocking its leg on anything marginally vertical in the world, or walking around sniffing with delight the foulness of any unidentifiable lump of decomposing matter the universe has thrown up. Jeez, whatever made you think you needed a dog?

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn), 2015 is the year you’ll finally stop standing in checkout lines while some sweaty, panicking baby boomer attempts paying for a small cup of coffee with his Visa card and doesn’t know whether to insert it, swipe it, tap it or just smash the damn terminal with a hammer, making you late, because it’s just another bit of technology that doesn’t work and you’re all pissed off because you have worse rage issues than Mel Gibson. Oh, and your brakes will fail.

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius), Communications break down in 2015, except for the people talking about you behind your back. They’ll be the nasty bastards who go all silent when you enter a room. The ones who smarmily greet you all cheerful and say, “Hi Mildred.” Even though your real name is Norman, and only your mother calls you Mildred. And just so you know, there’s still some confusion over that theory you were developing with that person with the item that you both thought should have been a concept but turned out to be a matter of indeterminate material. I hope I’ve made myself clear?

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces), 2015 will be a year of door knocking. Maybe that’s metaphorical, or maybe you’ll become a Jehovah Witness. Hell, I don’t know. Why am I always the guy who has to know this crap so you can come feed at the trough of my wisdom? Why don’t you write me my horoscope for once, you codependent whiner? Oh wow! I haven’t used the word codependent since the eighties when I was in this really strange 12 step program for people addicted to those crappy little Ikea Swedish meatballs that they make out of horse meat. I was really powerless over those, baby — let me tell you! But I can control it now … really.

Horoscope of the Apocalypse – The Christmas 2014 Edition

don’t forget to read them all?

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Well Christmas is almost here, Fire Sign. And ain’t that swell. Do you still have fond memories of all those snowy festive times in your childhood when your parents would spend every last dime they had so you could have presents on Christmas morning, but then you were all disappointed because you didn’t get a Captain Nemesis action figure with the patented Kamikaze Grip made by slave child labour in China so that you could use it to strangle your sister’s Ken doll with it? And now that disappointment affects you as an adult and that’s why you’re a man who lives alone and wears dresses? Oh hang on, that’s me.

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) Okay, let’s get this straight first. I don’t like doing Earth Sign horoscopes. It’s like, ooohhhh, look at Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo. They’re all so grounded, and just naturally recognise the difference between the tangible and the spiritual, while everyone else just stumbles around like a bunch of irreligious zombies and end up joining the Church of Scientology and suing the ass off anyone who criticises L. Ron Hubbard and his secret TIE Fighter and light saber. And isn’t that just the excessively litigious spirit of the holiday season, whether it’s Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or any other wacko religious or cultural tradition? God! I’d rather eat Christmas cake with pins in it than write that horoscope.

For Air Signs® (Gemini®, Libra®, Aquarius®) Well, there you are, Air Sign®. Stuck in a shopping mall surrounded by thousands of other Air Signs® and it’s ten minutes to closing time on Christmas Eve®, and you haven’t purchased one damn thing for the people you love, because that’s the way Air Signs® are and the Muzak® is playing the Barry Manilow® version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer® for the ten thousandth time since April, when the retail Christmas® shopping season begins and your wife ends up with a crappy gift basket from the Body Shop® filled with all those cheap humectant based skin creams and glycerin soaps that smell like a chemical spill on the New Jersey Turnpike in mid-August and each of your kids gets a teddy bear even though they’re all in their twenties and really just want some Peace® on Earth® and an iPhone® 6. And tomorrow, on Christmas Day®, you’ll sit in the living room by the Presto Log® fire drunk as hell and wondering what the hell happened with your life and why Christmas® canes are so popular – they’re really just cheap peppermint candy that leaves a really gross aftertaste in your mouth, aren’t they? Or are they really an NSA® surveillance plot? And then you find the note your wife left you only ten minutes ago before she left you Forever® and took Everything® except the Body Shop® gift basket. Phew! Well, there’s always 2015®.

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life, and whether that life has any meaning, purpose, or value. Well merry Christmas and a happy New Year, Water Sign – wondering if you really exist and whether anything has any significance. And aren’t you really the one responsible for your philosophical quandary? Wasn’t it you who used the word Xmas on everything this year, instead of Christmas? Your Xmas cards and Xmas presents and Xmas tree and Xmas cake and your Xmas party where you put your hands all over your now ex-secretary who’s filing a sexual harassment complaint through the union so that you’ll have an ex-job and an ex-wife come 2015? And isn’t that extra special? Maybe you could have used the word Christmas just once, to even things out and not seem so anti-Jesus. Not that Jesus gives a damn, he’s got a cushy gig. But it’s karma you gotta watch out for, baby. And remember what Soren Kierkegaard, the first existentialist philosopher, had to say: There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless our dominant thoughts reveal in us that which can only be discovered by living out of an abandoned car under a bridge and eating No Name Spam.

Horoscope of the Apocalypse the Halloween 2014 edition

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Hey Aries, ever eat one of those little foil wrapped chocolate pumpkin balls without removing the foil first? That’s how Mars rules your sorry, haunted ass. You’ve got decisions to make, baby. But procrastination can be so fulfilling in a backward sort of way. Remember those skeletons in the closet? Yeah, John Wayne Gacy had those too.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Do you recall that time you were in Guatemala, and you were approached by that greasy drug lord who offered you a sack of money to deliver a parcel to an associate in Moose Jaw? Remember how you thought you just might take the guy up on it until you noticed he was wearing gold lamé huaraches and he kept insisting you call him Gladys despite the beard and sideburns? Remember that? No? Oops! Wrong horoscope.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Ain’t Halloween swell? Time to do those disgusting monkey things you want to do all year long. Let someone else be decent for once. You’ve always wanted to self-immolate. But without suffering all those nasty side effects. So why not find someone to wrap you up in latex and roll you down a hill? I know a woman who’ll do it cheap. She does good work. People respect her. She gives group rates, and she’ll retrograde Uranus for cheap.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Well, isn’t this convenient. Cancer is ruled by the moon. Halloween and the moon were made for each other. Did you know that there are alien space stations on the dark side of the moon? I know because I saw it on the internet. Did you know that they call the internet the World Wide Web? Spider webs are very well thought of round Halloween. Did you know that I have a canker on my tongue that’s been there since 1982? Is any of this helping you, Cancer? Am I revealing the invisible universe to you in a way that’s timely and helpful? No? Well, up yours!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. Five plus five equals ten, but I’m not sure why you’d add five and five together in the first place. Maybe you hate prime numbers and enjoy combining them to create non-prime numbers. Like three plus three equals six. Did you know that six is divisible by two, which is also a prime number? Why are you yawning and looking away, Leo? Does what we’ve had together mean nothing to you? Oh sure, just walk away. I’ve got a quart of gin and a medicine cabinet full of psychotropic drugs, partner. I’ve got incriminating Polaroids stashed away, baby. Eleven of them, actually. Did you know that eleven is a prime number…?

Virgo (Aug 23 – September 22)

Hey Virgo, it’s like this. I write horoscopes for decent people.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra is the only sign of the zodiac not represented by an animal. Like that makes you special, or something. Like everyone is saying, Oh look. Libra ain’t a fish or a bull or that creepy Capricorn goat/fish thing. Actually, that freaking Capricorn sign gives me the willies, man. Capricorn makes me want to run screaming from the room with nothing on but a Niagara Falls commemorative tea towel. Yeah, I have one of those. I bought it in 1999. Hey, stop looking at me.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Hey Scorpio, for you it’s all black and white, isn’t? You don’t care about subtleties and nuance. You don’t care that that freaky thing we did together in your Smart Car was like a religious experience for me, even though the door handle kept jabbing into my Airy Triplicity. And now that it’s Halloween, I don’t get any candy do I!?! When you gonna pay your Love Taxes, Scorpio?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Do this for me, Sagittarius. Take a deep breath and hold it. I’ll tell you when to let go. Just think good thoughts. That’s right. Remember that Halloween back when you were eight years old? You went out as a dinosaur, but everyone said you were a dragon. Remember you got so angry that you wanted them all to die horribly, tied to their beds in an out of control house fire? Remember that? Oops, damn. That was me. Still holding your breath? Sucker.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Let’s just call this a UN Capricorn-free zone. And watch the progress bar below to see when you can go out for trick or treat.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

When I was a kid, everyone wanted to be Aquarius. Aquarius was supposed to be sooooo cool. Well, I knew this Aquarius guy who was a taxidermist. He stuffed animals. One day they found out that he’d actually stuffed his brother, Murray. Murray was a real jerk, and he had it coming. But this Aquarius taxidermist posed Murray picking his nose. There stood ol’ Murray in the taxidermist’s basement, next to the moose and musk ox, with his finger all the way up his nose. I hate Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Poor Pisces. You’re at the end of the list. Even Aquarius comes before you. Did you come last as a kid, too? Standing in line for trick or treats waiting and waiting and when you finally got to the front of the line all they had left were those crappy candy kiss things that stuck to your teeth and pulled out your fillings so your mother wouldn’t let you have them so you never got any Halloween candy and had to steal it from your siblings who all went to university and you only went to beauty school? Just asking.

Horoscope of the Apocalypse – The Canada Day Edition

why not read them all

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Oooh yeah, fire signs! It’s Canada Day. The day when you drop everything and express your undying, never ending, ever lasting love for the country that gave the world Pablum, canola oil and standard time. There’s excitement and dynamism for you, eh? Oh yeah, and Canada’s also the nation that gave the world the cardigan-wearing hell spawn we know as Stephen Harper, who celebrates every Canada Day by sacrificing kittens at his alter to Margaret Thatcher. Actually, did you know ol’ Steevo likes to dress up like Baroness Thatcher and play Pokémon in the basement of 24 Sussex Drive? For real, there’s a picture of him here — oops, wrong picture. I once observed Stephen Harper eating Taco Bell in a shopping mall food court in suburban Calgary, where he sat gorging himself on deep fried burritos. It was really gross, man. I mean he was really digging in. Anyway, this ten year old kid with a Hello Kitty notepad comes up to him and asks for an autograph, and Harper’s bodyguards wrestle her to the ground, and arrest her. The kid’s eighteen now, and she’s still doing time at Guantanamo Bay where she participates in a CIA run program that has inmates test McDonalds Happy Meal toys for choke hazards. The PMO doesn’t like to talk about it. And now I guess you want some kind of prediction based on my observations of how the planets align. What am I, your private astrology monkey? 

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) In 1812, Canada, a colony of Great Britain, was swept up in a war with America. It was called the War of 1812, even though it lasted way longer than that, because War of 1812 just kind of roles off the tongue, doesn’t it? And who doesn’t like a well named war? Like the War of the Quadruple Alliance, the Napoleonic Wars, the Ottoman-Wahhabi Revolt, the Mexico-Yaqui Indian War, Viang Chan-Siamese War of 1826-1827, the Farroupilha War and the Chinese Pirates War of 1849 – that’s a good one, eh, eh? Then there’s Star Wars, the franchise that strangely enough started out being called Attack of the Killer Cabbage Aliens from Planet Porno. That was really just a working title back when George Lucas thought he could still work some leather corseted Amazons into the script. Fortunately, friends and family intervened and Lucas was detoxed, received extensive ECT treatments and had his medication changed. That’s how we ended up with Darth Vader instead of Imelda the Vinyl Cabbage Queen – now wouldn’t she have made an awesome action figure, eh? And hey, I really don’t know what any of this has to do with astrology. I mean, to be honest, I’m really baked on some oxycodone they gave me for a kidney stone I had the other day. So, just take care of family matters this week. That’s my advice. And since your partner’s probably cheating on you, it’s okay to put on your fat pants and stare out the window like a grumpy tabby cat.

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) Remember Bob and Doug McKenzie, that fictional pair of Canadian brothers who came up with the Great White North on SCTV. They’re the ones who started putting “eh” at the end of everything they said, as if that was what all Canadians did, which they don’t, eh. Okay, that was a slip, eh. Alright screw it, eh. Maybe Canadians really do put “eh” at the end of every sentence, eh. Like in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, where it says…

2. Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms, eh:
(a) freedom of conscience and religion, eh;
(b) freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication, eh;
(c) freedom of peaceful assembly, eh; and
(d) freedom of association, eh.

…and where Prime Minister Stephen Harper says, “No way, eh. Who came up with this Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms shit, anyway, eh? It’s getting in the way of me ruining the country, eh. So that Enbridge and ExxonMobil can rule and take over all the aboriginal land, eh.” And then the Supreme Court of Canada says, “To bad Steevo, no way, eh. The doctrine of terra nullius [that no one owned the land prior to European assertion of sovereignty] never applied in Canada, eh.” And then the aboriginals said, “Ha, eh! Sit on this, Steevo, eh.” So now I guess you want some astrological monkey slush, eh. Ok, so stay indoors this long weekend and snake your drains, eh. A clean drain means a healthy mind, eh. This advice is gold, eh. Don’t never say I didn’t give you nothing. Eh.

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) It’s shameful to admit that some forms of torture actually originated in Canada. Like five pin bowling, and the 56k modem that was invented by Dr. Brent Townshend in 1996. Hopefully you’re too young to recall this hateful little contraption. To get on the internet, your computer would commence dialling up a server somewhere in Tanzania, and then you’d have time to walk away and build a box girder bridge while you waited for a connection. Then once you had a connection, your internet porn would take all day to download, line by line on a cathode ray tube, so it was a good thing you had some Hustler magazines under your mattress. That’s a real Canadian Moment, babies. Believe me. I was there – and I’m Canadian, although my actual birth records were lost back in 1957 in a highway accident involving a moose and a Winnebago near Saskatoon. Since then, to be honest, I’ve sort of felt a little alone and without a country. And lately, I’ve been drinking a lot of stolen hospital hand sanitizer, too. I thought of moving to Qatar once, but the architecture looks too much like a FIFA Google Doodle. You know, it’s not easy being an astrologer. Your friends are always waiting for you to say shit like: Avoid controversial subjects today, like politics, religion and recreational amputation. When all I want is some compassion and normalcy, and to be smeared with honey and left to the humming birds – you’ll get it later and weep.

Horoscope of the Apocalypse – The Full Moon/Friday the 13th Edition

why not read them all

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Hey, Fire Signs, on this full moon Friday the 13th be cautious of anything orbiting Uranus. I mean, I’m not really that concerned about Uranus. In fact I never really think about Uranus, honestly. Those things people have been saying about me and Uranus are absurd! Okay, maybe I think about Uranus sometimes, but never in a way that could be described as unhealthy. It’s not like Uranus dominates my dreams or anything. Sometimes I dream about your elbow. Does that make me some kind of Uranus sick-o? I mean, really! What does Uranus have to do with anything? And that Twitter #Uranus campaign is pure defamation. I’ll sue the bastard that started it. My lawyer has an articling student researching civil court presidents related to slander generated by Uranus. Anyway, maybe the less said about Uranus the better. I don’t even know how you got me into this conversation.

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) So anyway, this horoscope gig is really wearing me out. How am I supposed to come up with this shit all of the time? Reading the charts is useless. And do you really want me to write garbage like, Rely on friends in difficult times, or, A friendly stranger may be the romantic miracle you’ve been waiting for, or some inane crapolla like that? How about this: Beware of a friendly stranger that’ll kick your teeth in and steal your dumb-ass iPhone with that stupid pink Hello Kitty cover that makes you look like some middle aged poster child for Age Regression Therapy. You know, the one you have surgically stapled to the side of your head or that you’re using to text some other mindless consumer statistic as you cross the street against the signal and cause a massive pile-up when a driver tries to avoid hitting you and dies as a result, leaving behind orphans and distraught loved ones because you were looking at the screen instead of watching where you were going. Is that what you want me to write??? Well sooooooorrrrrrry, I can’t do that. I have integrity. I have a soul. And I can’t afford an iPhone. Now bugger off, I have to take my meds.

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) So, I don’t mean to make this all about me, Air Signs. But I figure you’ll understand. I’ve been reconsidering a career in food services. But what’s that got to do with you, right? And wait a minute, anyway; what are you trying to do, get into my head!?! Well, back off. It’s a scary neighbourhood in there, Air Signs. You don’t want to go there. I’ll tell you that right now. Especially on Friday the 13th with the full moon and everything that means. What’s it mean, you ask? Well don’t look at me. I just write horoscopes. I deal in ridiculously obvious generalities. Let’s just say that basing life decisions on anything you see in a horoscope is mucho stupido, baby. You’re better off chewing on a balled-up wad of aluminium foil. How would that feel, huh? You don’t know? Give it a try and see where it gets you. And don’t get me started on how some people pronounce aluminium alumineeum. What the…!?! Aren’t there already enough syllables in the world. Do you get up in the morning and say, “Oh, today I’ll add another worthless syllable to a word almost nobody ever says.” That shit just makes me want to plunge a screwdriver into my hand over and over again. I have one in my tool drawer, you know? It’s made of stainless steel for some inconceivable reason, and stainless steel is an alloy that sometime includes aluminium. See how everything in the universe is connected. Gawd!

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) There’ll be a full moon this Friday the 13th. And some of you are thinking that’s double trouble, baby. Are you in with that crowd, Water Signs? Well maybe you believe in rainbow coloured unicorns, too. Maybe even the tooth fairy. I got a quarter when I was eight years old for a tooth I left under my pillow. I used that quarter the next day to buy this really chewing kind of candy that I was forbidden to eat because it pulls out your fillings, and it pulled out a filling. My mother grounded me for two weeks for that. Being stuck at home for two weeks when you’re a kid can be really boring, so I started nosing round the house and getting into things. When I started poking round in the basement, I found my father’s stash of Hustler magazines. I opened up one of them, and dropped it immediately. I’ve never been the same since, man. No lasting friendships, no loving relationships. Just me alone with a vacant stare on my face that scares children away. I’ve sort of found peace since I started to read Guns and Ammo Magazine, and make my own bullets in the basement.