top 10 new DSM V disorders

by dm gillis

10. Münchausen by Gmail

A controversial label for a behaviour pattern in which a caregiver deliberately exaggerates, fabricates, and/or induces physical, psychological, behavioural, and/or mental health problems in those who are in his or her care by using a free, advertising-supported email service provided by Google.

9. Motion sickness with psychotic features

A condition in which one suffers from lack of insight and loses contact with reality while vomiting all over the backseat of someone else’s car.

8. Sweater dysphoria

A condition where a person feels that he or she is trapped within the wrong sweater. Recent studies have suggested that sweater dysphoria has more to do with biological than psychological development, and an individual’s innate identification with cashmere over Orlon.

7. Checkout line personality disorder

A psychological condition marked by prolonged disturbances of personality function while waiting in retail store checkout lines. It is characterized by abnormal variability of mood, deep sighs, rolling of the eyes and exaggerated postures of exacerbation as checkout clerks dawdle, chat-up other customers, incorrectly count out change and generally waste time. The resulting moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations, and cause a deficit in impulse control causing individuals to purchase tabloid newspapers.

6. Pathologization disorder

A condition almost completely exclusive to the editors of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, now in its fifth edition. This condition is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, obsessions and the compulsion to pathologise the entirety of human existence.

5. Major impressive disorder (MID)

More than just being impressed, MID leads one to be overwhelmingly amazed, astonished, electrified, dumfounded, flabbergasted, stunned and generally gobsmaked by mundane, everyday occurrences. The personal relationships and functioning of people with MID are affected by the subject’s devastatingly annoying optimism. MID differs from all other psychiatric disorders in that the therapeutic goal is not to make the patient feel better, but to implement therapeutic regimes that demoralize the subject, with a goal of making him or her as miserable as the background population.

4. Proactive aggressive behaviour

Unlike those exhibiting passive aggressive behaviour, who deal with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations in an obstructionist manner while expressing aggression in non-assertive (i.e. passive or indirect) ways, people exhibiting proactive aggressive behaviour will just kick your ass.

3. Faceaphobia

A disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where it is perceived to be difficult or embarrassing to “Like” or post to a “Wall”. These situations can include, but are not limited to, viewing strange Facebook profiles, monetizing and/or reading the Facebook terms and conditions of use agreement.

2. Twittophilia

A psychiatric disorder in tweeps and/or peeps typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in Twitter porno spam, but may also extend to an obsessive interest in tweeters with cutesy Twitter handles like CheekyBritches.

1. Premature inoculation

A condition in which a man receives an inoculation earlier than he or his partner would like him to. Premature inoculation is also known as rapid inoculation, rapid injection, premature injection or queue jumping. Masters and Johnson define PI as the condition in which a man inoculates before his partner achieves inoculation, in more than fifty percent of their inoculation encounters.

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