top ten reasons you probably won’t vote for Stephen Harper

by dm gillis

10. Even though you’re a Harper family member, you think Justin has a nice ass.

9. You’re probably not a spitting-with-sloppy-rage elderly reactionary male with a swollen prostate, AWOL grandchildren, and who still measures length in cubits.

8. Your topic hashtags actually trend.

7. The Harper election machine refers to you only by your first name.

6. Though you believe all clowns are evil, you are otherwise not a bigot.

5. You love the men in your life, but don’t buy into a patriarchal system that upholds heterosexual male privilege and a status quo of control, enforced by rudimentary oppression mechanisms. (phew!)

4. Your ability to recognise and appreciate nuance helps you to live a balanced and mindful life.

3. You probably don’t have a private, artistically unfulfilled hairdresser on your campaign bus.

2. You probably don’t travel with the flag of Tajikistan on your luggage, just in case.

1. To you “Urine in the lead” means something completely different.