getting through

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“Hello. You have reached the Government of Canada’s Ministry of Not Returning Phone Calls. Please choose from the following list of extensions, or leave a message after the tone. Call volume is heavy — we’ll ignore your inquiry as soon as we are able. Please be advised that your call will be surveilled by CSIS and the RCMP who are currently fighting with one another over the exclusive right to pre-emptively arrest you for conspiring to exercise your rights under the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.”

  • Press 1 to have your inquiry ignored.
  • Press 2 if your previous inquiry was ignored and you wish to be ignored again.
  • Press 3 to hear a recording of one of Canada’s last remaining public servants dismiss your inquiry without having heard it.
  • Press 4 if you’d like to hear Prime Minister Stephen Harper sing the Guns N’ Roses classic Sweet Child O’ Mine while wearing nothing but a cardigan and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps.
  • Press 5 if your pizza delivery is late.
  • Press 6 if you’d like to win a War of 1812 tee shirt. (And yes, before you say it, we already know that no Canadians actually fought in the War of 1812, and that Canada didn’t really even exist in 1812. So, just press 3 if you’re planning to state the obvious – that connecting Canada to a war it never fought in is just a cynical and jingoistic ploy to turn the country into a Stephen Harper theme park.)
  • Press 7 if you’re not a member of the Canadian Conservative Party, and wish to receive a robo-call during the next election, directing you to the wrong polling station.
  • Press 8 if you’re so disgusted by the petty and criminal nature of Canadian politics that you wish to surrender your right to vote. Please note that these calls will be expedited.
  • Press 9 for a list of retailers selling long guns.
  • Press 0 if you’d like to hear the Prime Minister sing I Did it My Way while a kitten sits on his face.
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