Horoscope of the Apocalypse – The Christmas 2014 Edition

don’t forget to read them all?

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Well Christmas is almost here, Fire Sign. And ain’t that swell. Do you still have fond memories of all those snowy festive times in your childhood when your parents would spend every last dime they had so you could have presents on Christmas morning, but then you were all disappointed because you didn’t get a Captain Nemesis action figure with the patented Kamikaze Grip made by slave child labour in China so that you could use it to strangle your sister’s Ken doll with it? And now that disappointment affects you as an adult and that’s why you’re a man who lives alone and wears dresses? Oh hang on, that’s me.

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) Okay, let’s get this straight first. I don’t like doing Earth Sign horoscopes. It’s like, ooohhhh, look at Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo. They’re all so grounded, and just naturally recognise the difference between the tangible and the spiritual, while everyone else just stumbles around like a bunch of irreligious zombies and end up joining the Church of Scientology and suing the ass off anyone who criticises L. Ron Hubbard and his secret TIE Fighter and light saber. And isn’t that just the excessively litigious spirit of the holiday season, whether it’s Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or any other wacko religious or cultural tradition? God! I’d rather eat Christmas cake with pins in it than write that horoscope.

For Air Signs® (Gemini®, Libra®, Aquarius®) Well, there you are, Air Sign®. Stuck in a shopping mall surrounded by thousands of other Air Signs® and it’s ten minutes to closing time on Christmas Eve®, and you haven’t purchased one damn thing for the people you love, because that’s the way Air Signs® are and the Muzak® is playing the Barry Manilow® version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer® for the ten thousandth time since April, when the retail Christmas® shopping season begins and your wife ends up with a crappy gift basket from the Body Shop® filled with all those cheap humectant based skin creams and glycerin soaps that smell like a chemical spill on the New Jersey Turnpike in mid-August and each of your kids gets a teddy bear even though they’re all in their twenties and really just want some Peace® on Earth® and an iPhone® 6. And tomorrow, on Christmas Day®, you’ll sit in the living room by the Presto Log® fire drunk as hell and wondering what the hell happened with your life and why Christmas® canes are so popular – they’re really just cheap peppermint candy that leaves a really gross aftertaste in your mouth, aren’t they? Or are they really an NSA® surveillance plot? And then you find the note your wife left you only ten minutes ago before she left you Forever® and took Everything® except the Body Shop® gift basket. Phew! Well, there’s always 2015®.

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life, and whether that life has any meaning, purpose, or value. Well merry Christmas and a happy New Year, Water Sign – wondering if you really exist and whether anything has any significance. And aren’t you really the one responsible for your philosophical quandary? Wasn’t it you who used the word Xmas on everything this year, instead of Christmas? Your Xmas cards and Xmas presents and Xmas tree and Xmas cake and your Xmas party where you put your hands all over your now ex-secretary who’s filing a sexual harassment complaint through the union so that you’ll have an ex-job and an ex-wife come 2015? And isn’t that extra special? Maybe you could have used the word Christmas just once, to even things out and not seem so anti-Jesus. Not that Jesus gives a damn, he’s got a cushy gig. But it’s karma you gotta watch out for, baby. And remember what Soren Kierkegaard, the first existentialist philosopher, had to say: There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless our dominant thoughts reveal in us that which can only be discovered by living out of an abandoned car under a bridge and eating No Name Spam.


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