Horoscope of the Apocalypse – The Canada Day Edition
by dm gillis
why not read them all
For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Oooh yeah, fire signs! It’s Canada Day. The day when you drop everything and express your undying, never ending, ever lasting love for the country that gave the world Pablum, canola oil and standard time. There’s excitement and dynamism for you, eh? Oh yeah, and Canada’s also the nation that gave the world the cardigan-wearing hell spawn we know as Stephen Harper, who celebrates every Canada Day by sacrificing kittens at his alter to Margaret Thatcher. Actually, did you know ol’ Steevo likes to dress up like Baroness Thatcher and play Pokémon in the basement of 24 Sussex Drive? For real, there’s a picture of him here — oops, wrong picture. I once observed Stephen Harper eating Taco Bell in a shopping mall food court in suburban Calgary, where he sat gorging himself on deep fried burritos. It was really gross, man. I mean he was really digging in. Anyway, this ten year old kid with a Hello Kitty notepad comes up to him and asks for an autograph, and Harper’s bodyguards wrestle her to the ground, and arrest her. The kid’s eighteen now, and she’s still doing time at Guantanamo Bay where she participates in a CIA run program that has inmates test McDonalds Happy Meal toys for choke hazards. The PMO doesn’t like to talk about it. And now I guess you want some kind of prediction based on my observations of how the planets align. What am I, your private astrology monkey?
For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) In 1812, Canada, a colony of Great Britain, was swept up in a war with America. It was called the War of 1812, even though it lasted way longer than that, because War of 1812 just kind of roles off the tongue, doesn’t it? And who doesn’t like a well named war? Like the War of the Quadruple Alliance, the Napoleonic Wars, the Ottoman-Wahhabi Revolt, the Mexico-Yaqui Indian War, Viang Chan-Siamese War of 1826-1827, the Farroupilha War and the Chinese Pirates War of 1849 – that’s a good one, eh, eh? Then there’s Star Wars, the franchise that strangely enough started out being called Attack of the Killer Cabbage Aliens from Planet Porno. That was really just a working title back when George Lucas thought he could still work some leather corseted Amazons into the script. Fortunately, friends and family intervened and Lucas was detoxed, received extensive ECT treatments and had his medication changed. That’s how we ended up with Darth Vader instead of Imelda the Vinyl Cabbage Queen – now wouldn’t she have made an awesome action figure, eh? And hey, I really don’t know what any of this has to do with astrology. I mean, to be honest, I’m really baked on some oxycodone they gave me for a kidney stone I had the other day. So, just take care of family matters this week. That’s my advice. And since your partner’s probably cheating on you, it’s okay to put on your fat pants and stare out the window like a grumpy tabby cat.
For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) Remember Bob and Doug McKenzie, that fictional pair of Canadian brothers who came up with the Great White North on SCTV. They’re the ones who started putting “eh” at the end of everything they said, as if that was what all Canadians did, which they don’t, eh. Okay, that was a slip, eh. Alright screw it, eh. Maybe Canadians really do put “eh” at the end of every sentence, eh. Like in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, where it says…
2. Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms, eh:
(a) freedom of conscience and religion, eh;
(b) freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication, eh;
(c) freedom of peaceful assembly, eh; and
(d) freedom of association, eh.
…and where Prime Minister Stephen Harper says, “No way, eh. Who came up with this Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms shit, anyway, eh? It’s getting in the way of me ruining the country, eh. So that Enbridge and ExxonMobil can rule and take over all the aboriginal land, eh.” And then the Supreme Court of Canada says, “To bad Steevo, no way, eh. The doctrine of terra nullius [that no one owned the land prior to European assertion of sovereignty] never applied in Canada, eh.” And then the aboriginals said, “Ha, eh! Sit on this, Steevo, eh.” So now I guess you want some astrological monkey slush, eh. Ok, so stay indoors this long weekend and snake your drains, eh. A clean drain means a healthy mind, eh. This advice is gold, eh. Don’t never say I didn’t give you nothing. Eh.
For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) It’s shameful to admit that some forms of torture actually originated in Canada. Like five pin bowling, and the 56k modem that was invented by Dr. Brent Townshend in 1996. Hopefully you’re too young to recall this hateful little contraption. To get on the internet, your computer would commence dialling up a server somewhere in Tanzania, and then you’d have time to walk away and build a box girder bridge while you waited for a connection. Then once you had a connection, your internet porn would take all day to download, line by line on a cathode ray tube, so it was a good thing you had some Hustler magazines under your mattress. That’s a real Canadian Moment, babies. Believe me. I was there – and I’m Canadian, although my actual birth records were lost back in 1957 in a highway accident involving a moose and a Winnebago near Saskatoon. Since then, to be honest, I’ve sort of felt a little alone and without a country. And lately, I’ve been drinking a lot of stolen hospital hand sanitizer, too. I thought of moving to Qatar once, but the architecture looks too much like a FIFA Google Doodle. You know, it’s not easy being an astrologer. Your friends are always waiting for you to say shit like: Avoid controversial subjects today, like politics, religion and recreational amputation. When all I want is some compassion and normalcy, and to be smeared with honey and left to the humming birds – you’ll get it later and weep.