I am a Vancouverite
by dm gillis
I admit to being a little bit different than most people who live here – I can parallel park.
I was born and raised here, too. Yes, there are a few of us.
And we wish everyone else would bugger off,
instead of moving here and spending the rest of their lives
whining about how much they hate it
because people in Vancouver are soooo unfriendly,
except nowadays nearly everyone in Vancouver is from somewhere else,
so it’s not the Vancouver people who aren’t friendly,
it’s the imports who whine all the time.
It is true, however, that when I say have a nice day,
I probably mean go F*** yourself.
I don’t live in a leaky condo, because I can’t afford one.
And I don’t drink multiple daily cups of what ever slop Starbucks is flogging,
just so you know.
And it rains here,
and when it’s not raining it’s cloudy,
and when it’s not raining or cloudy it’s night.
So, if you suffer from any form of affective disorder, then just stay wherever you are and take your medication.
There’re already too many suicidal bastards out here from somewhere else.
And no, Lululemon isn’t the name of some over the hill stripper with a heart of gold.
It’s the name of an incorporated, yoga-inspired athletic apparel company,
which produces yoga clothing that some women should never wear,
but you’re in the shit if you ever dare to point this out.
And it ain’t cheap to live here.
In fact it’s damn expensive.
So, you have to have two jobs, which means there really isn’t time for yoga class, anyway.
So don’t be fooled, those yoga mats you see people packing round are just for show.
And I don’t have any flag sewn on my backpack,
because I don’t own a backpack or anything to carry around in it,
because it’s really expensive to live here – have I mentioned that yet?
We embrace multiculturalism, and have the Korean restaurants and falafel joints to prove it.
And though beavers are cool, it’s crows and coyotes that really make it in this town.
A toque is indeed a hat and a chesterfield is in fact a couch,
but I don’t have either one of these things because it’s really expensive to live here.
We’ll never win a Stanley Cup, but we’re happy to riot instead.
In spite of all this, this is the best place in Canada.
But don’t tell your friends!
This is not the geographical solution to their problems.
My name is [insert name], and I am a Vancouverite.