Horoscope of the Apocalypse – The Full Moon/Friday the 13th Edition

why not read them all

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Hey, Fire Signs, on this full moon Friday the 13th be cautious of anything orbiting Uranus. I mean, I’m not really that concerned about Uranus. In fact I never really think about Uranus, honestly. Those things people have been saying about me and Uranus are absurd! Okay, maybe I think about Uranus sometimes, but never in a way that could be described as unhealthy. It’s not like Uranus dominates my dreams or anything. Sometimes I dream about your elbow. Does that make me some kind of Uranus sick-o? I mean, really! What does Uranus have to do with anything? And that Twitter #Uranus campaign is pure defamation. I’ll sue the bastard that started it. My lawyer has an articling student researching civil court presidents related to slander generated by Uranus. Anyway, maybe the less said about Uranus the better. I don’t even know how you got me into this conversation.

For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) So anyway, this horoscope gig is really wearing me out. How am I supposed to come up with this shit all of the time? Reading the charts is useless. And do you really want me to write garbage like, Rely on friends in difficult times, or, A friendly stranger may be the romantic miracle you’ve been waiting for, or some inane crapolla like that? How about this: Beware of a friendly stranger that’ll kick your teeth in and steal your dumb-ass iPhone with that stupid pink Hello Kitty cover that makes you look like some middle aged poster child for Age Regression Therapy. You know, the one you have surgically stapled to the side of your head or that you’re using to text some other mindless consumer statistic as you cross the street against the signal and cause a massive pile-up when a driver tries to avoid hitting you and dies as a result, leaving behind orphans and distraught loved ones because you were looking at the screen instead of watching where you were going. Is that what you want me to write??? Well sooooooorrrrrrry, I can’t do that. I have integrity. I have a soul. And I can’t afford an iPhone. Now bugger off, I have to take my meds.

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) So, I don’t mean to make this all about me, Air Signs. But I figure you’ll understand. I’ve been reconsidering a career in food services. But what’s that got to do with you, right? And wait a minute, anyway; what are you trying to do, get into my head!?! Well, back off. It’s a scary neighbourhood in there, Air Signs. You don’t want to go there. I’ll tell you that right now. Especially on Friday the 13th with the full moon and everything that means. What’s it mean, you ask? Well don’t look at me. I just write horoscopes. I deal in ridiculously obvious generalities. Let’s just say that basing life decisions on anything you see in a horoscope is mucho stupido, baby. You’re better off chewing on a balled-up wad of aluminium foil. How would that feel, huh? You don’t know? Give it a try and see where it gets you. And don’t get me started on how some people pronounce aluminium alumineeum. What the…!?! Aren’t there already enough syllables in the world. Do you get up in the morning and say, “Oh, today I’ll add another worthless syllable to a word almost nobody ever says.” That shit just makes me want to plunge a screwdriver into my hand over and over again. I have one in my tool drawer, you know? It’s made of stainless steel for some inconceivable reason, and stainless steel is an alloy that sometime includes aluminium. See how everything in the universe is connected. Gawd!

For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) There’ll be a full moon this Friday the 13th. And some of you are thinking that’s double trouble, baby. Are you in with that crowd, Water Signs? Well maybe you believe in rainbow coloured unicorns, too. Maybe even the tooth fairy. I got a quarter when I was eight years old for a tooth I left under my pillow. I used that quarter the next day to buy this really chewing kind of candy that I was forbidden to eat because it pulls out your fillings, and it pulled out a filling. My mother grounded me for two weeks for that. Being stuck at home for two weeks when you’re a kid can be really boring, so I started nosing round the house and getting into things. When I started poking round in the basement, I found my father’s stash of Hustler magazines. I opened up one of them, and dropped it immediately. I’ve never been the same since, man. No lasting friendships, no loving relationships. Just me alone with a vacant stare on my face that scares children away. I’ve sort of found peace since I started to read Guns and Ammo Magazine, and make my own bullets in the basement.


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