Horoscope of the Apocalypse – Zombie Edition

by dm gillis

why not read them all?

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Hey, fire zombie, start to show your vulnerable side. Death doesn’t preclude sensitivity. Seek out a receptive shoulder to cry on, and then eat their brains. You’re curiosity leads you to different cultures and philosophies, and then you eat their brains. Self-initiated personal transformation allows you to end your frustrating cycle of loneliness. Pursue companions, and eat their brains. Love is in your stars this summer. Be ready for romance, and then eat their brains.

The Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) It’s a fact, life doesn’t get easier as you get deader. You just begin to wear out as you drag your foot behind you, and it disappears into your ankle, then your knee. Then you’re just some immobile, lopsided fashion accident stuck in a post-apocalyptic shopping mall surrounded by thousands of other rapidly eroding undead, all of you still looking for a really good deal on a moisturiser and listening to really bad Muzak over the PA that no one bothered to turn off before they were transformed into animated brain eating carcasses. I doubt that there’s any wisdom or redemption in any of this. I’m just saying.

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) Hey, air zombie, consider this: Existentialistic thinking starts with the zombie subject – the acting, feeling, zombie individual. In existentialism, the zombie’s commencement is referred to as “the existential attitude”, a sense of uncertainty and bewilderment in the face of an empty or incongruous milieu. Søren Kierkegaard put forth that each individual zombie – not society or religion – is responsible for providing meaning in death, and that each must exist as the undead as authentically as possible. But then, you’re a zombie. So, who gives a shit?

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) Things may not be as obvious as they first seem, water zombie. Remember that you’re a born rule-breaker. And maybe age old wisdom doesn’t work for you. For instance, maybe you need a new meal plan. Brains have always been the base of the zombie food pyramid – recommended 7 to 13 servings per day. But how about introducing quinoa and pomegranates to ensure you get your necessary fibre and phytochemicals? And why not be the first zombie on your block to buy a juicer? I hear fondue is on the come back. Oh, and, be cautious when reaching out. There are some surviving non-zombies hiding in a fortified warehouse down the street. They’re scared, desperate and depressed, and might be nice for snacking. But be careful; they have a wood chipper.

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