Horoscope of the Apocalypse – April Fools 2014 Edition

by dm gillis

I think I know how disappointing it must be coming here and expecting a straight horoscope. But too bad. That’s what happens when you look for hope on the internet.

Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Remember those hand buzzer things that people used to hide in the palm of their hands and then shake your hand, and then they’d bust a gut laughing because they had such empty lives that that kind of lame crapola was enough to send them into seizures and it wasn’t the hand buzzer that pissed you off as much as the way the SOB was carrying on guffawing like a fool and you felt like pushing him into traffic and then he’d slap you on the back and say no hard feelings, but you went out and slashed his tires anyway before work was over? Do you remember that? I have pictures.

Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) C’mon, admit it. Everyday is April Fools day for Earth Signs. But what about the gag where someone ties a string to a twenty dollar bill and you see it, bend over to pick it up and the bastard pulls the string and you trip and fall flat on your face on the sidewalk where everyone can see. Don’t you hate that? Or how about when someone puts salt in the sugar bowl? And then there’s that trick where they tie a string of rags together, douse it with gasoline and run it from your gas tank to some place behind a tree or a bush and they wait until you get in the car to light it and you get all blasted to shit while you’re trying to tune in that crappy classic rock station that you love so much but that everyone else in the car pool hates. They won’t even find your teeth, man.

Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) I had a friend once who took all of the white stuff out of my Oreos and replaced it with toothpaste. Then he put them back in the bag like nothing had happened. I ate them all and didn’t say a word. I waited twenty years, until the time was right. Then I paid this unemployed guy named Jerome who cuts the lawn for my church to take the Oreo guy out to an empty field off Highway 32 and bury him alive so that just his head was sticking out of the ground because I knew the farmer was ploughing the next morning. I think the farmer was an Air Sign.

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) So, this Water Sign chick I knew once decided to rearrange the contents of a co-worker’s desk so that when he arrived on April Fools morning everything would be all out of place. She got half way through doing it and found an envelope of photos of her friend shaking hands with a pack of aliens in the parking lot of a KFC. They were a bunch of those tall white bastards who abduct children and pets. He was all buddy-buddy with these extraterrestrials and they had all of these buckets of extra crispy chicken and all the fixin’s and their space ship was parked in a handicap space. So, she began to wonder about the guy and hired a private investigator to follow him and get more dirt on his relationship with these creepy alien types. Anyway, they found the body of the private dick in a trash compactor out back of a Pizza Hut. Now she put two and two together and realised that KFC and Pizza Hut were both owned by the Pepsi Cola Company, so she started to drink Coke instead of Pepsi until one day she choked to death on this big chunk of melamine that was in a bottle of Coke a friend had brought back from China — oh shit, I forgot where I was going with this.

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