For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) This won’t be a medal year for Fire Signs. You’re boycotting the games in protest due to a fundamental cosmic retrograde between the moon and Mars. So, leave the spandex and sequins in the closet – where they belong! And, okay, maybe it’s too bad you’re not going. It means you’re going to miss a chance to participate in the Sochi 2014 men’s and ladies’ room dual toilet event, the newest of the IOC sanctioned extreme sports. It’s a competition formerly mired in scandal, of course. But new rules now mean fairer scoring.
These are the elements that make up the Dual Toilet competition, as set out by the International Dual Toilet Union or DTU, in rules 520 and 521 of the 2008 version. There must be 4 seat lifts (but the seat must be left down when done so the women judges don’t complain), 4 jumps, 3 spins (including 1 death spiral), 1 step sequence, and 1 toilet roll sequence. Men do 8 jumps, 3 spins, and 2 step sequences. Ladies do 7 jumps, 3 spins, 1 step sequence and 1 spiral sequence, all performed in a small room with two unpartitioned commodes, a broken exhaust fan and no reading material. But the uninitiated must be warned that a perfect score is dependant upon the flawless technical and artist execution of the flush.
For Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) It’s all bronze for Earth signs this time round. And yes, you’ll weep on the lowest tier on the podium. But isn’t that what Earth Signs always do? And don’t try to lighten the mood with men’s bobsled jokes. Because really, isn’t the behaviour of two women dressed in spandex and shoehorned über snug into a downhill ice rocket just as suspicious as a team of men doing the same thing? Let’s face it, some team events are just plain weird. Like team darts. This isn’t an Olympic sport yet, but it will be in 2040. In team darts championship competition, Las Vegas show girls pretend to be sexually excited by middle aged obese men with beer breath and enlarged prostrates, throwing sharp objects at a stationary target in a climate controlled environment. Hey girls, that’s worth a perfect score – for acting!
For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) You’re second place all the way in 2014, Air Signs. And that means silver. But you may do well in curling. Yes, the Olympics have had curling as a sanctioned event since 1998. It’s true that curlers aren’t the most athletic people at Sochi, but they are the loudest. Besides, it’s a game of skill not strength. Like tiddlywinks. Tiddlywinks, of course, is the perfect winter sport. It’s played indoors, without a broom or goofy pants or really loud and vicious people who throw rocks at their own team mates. My uncle was a curler. He raised poisonous snakes and made his own bullets in his basement, dressed like Marilyn Monroe in How to Marry a Millionaire. You know – that tight totally glam off the shoulder floor length red satin gown and matching pumps. He also had a tattoo and a comb-over. He owned a 1979 Chevette until he drove it into the housewares department of a Walmart with enough TNT duct taped to his body to blow the place up five times over. A police sniper got him. I hope this was helpful.
For Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) Woo-hoo, Water Signs!!! You get gold at Sochi. That’s because Sochi enjoys a subtropical climate, and you love summer sports. Wait a minute, Sochi is subtropical? What was President Putin on, crack? Well why the hell not. It’s the street drug of choice for all evil petty despotic politicians. And what’s with the brown tap water and stray dogs? And how can you have an Olympics with only four rings. Do they still send people to Siberia? Or do they just put them up in a half finished hotel room and make them drink the water. And why does Putin hate Pussy Riot so much? I’d have thought that a supreme straight-shootin’ homophobe like Putin would enjoy an occasional pussy riot. But then, are we really sure this dude isn’t actually just a little gay himself? Or maybe he’s just a tease. Just sayin’.