Horoscope of the Apocalypse – Valentines Day 2014

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Your romantic life is like a drive-by shooting. Lots of people show up to gawk at the aftermath. And everyone has an opinion about who done it. But no one wants to help clean up the mess. Patience is a virtue, but so are temperance, prudence, courage and justice. And since when did you give a damn about those little items? Compromise builds intimacy. But so does a Saturday night of cheap pizza, viewing a few well chosen South American porno flicks together. Uranus will be sensitive.

The Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) Valentines Day romance will have an international flair for you this year. Keep on the look out for a guy named Raul, without a visitor’s visa and several transmittable diseases. He’ll look longingly into your eyes, and ask to move his Mars into your Venus – figuratively speaking, of course. I’m not trying to be vulgar here. I’m just saying that it’s probably better to be healthy and lonely than have some lowlife foreign national accompany you to the clinic. Just sayin’.

Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) For air signs, a love cycle is like a rinse cycle. You always plan to catch it with your little bottle of fabric softener, but you miss it every time, because you’re upstairs watching Portuguese soap operas. Then you stand there, in front of the washing machine, listening to it spin for the last time, wondering how the evil Bia Falcão, played by Fernanda Montenegro in Belíssima, escapes the authorities and flees to France, where she resettles with a fetching young boyfriend, half her age, living on a secret bank account in Switzerland, that is regularly topped up by tall white aliens in corduroy Louis Vuitton jumpsuits. BTW, I hear texting Jupiter is now free. You may be loveless, but you’re brave. Send them a ROTFLMAO.

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) Your relationship with yourself is of the utmost importance, so buy yourself some chocolates and some lube – Yikes! Did I just write that? Well, the planets don’t lie, baby. Show caution as all of the moons of Saturn retrograde and bump into each other. Your passions are desperately envisaged, affections abandoned and your marriage is like a bowl of cold truck-stop chili without the crackers. Ecstasy, doubt, adoration and stirrings will be laid bare before the inescapable pain of unreserved rejection. So buy a dog.


3 thoughts on “Horoscope of the Apocalypse – Valentines Day 2014

  1. I read this several minutes ago but it has been difficult to type due to the tears in my eyes. “Uranus will be sensitive”… “Your romantic life is like a drive-by shooting.” etc, etc, etc ………. gold.

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