Horoscope of the Apocalypse & Predictions for 2014

by dm gillis

For Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius), 2014 presents any number of bombshells that will keep you stupefied, dazed and bewildered. Uranus’s presence in Aries means that many people you encounter will be gun toting nutbars with self-esteem issues. Hit them with your car and keep driving. Saturn will go critical in 2014 and our solar system will become one with a binary star system. Don’t worry about how this will affect your horoscope, as you will be burned to a crisp before you have time to look up at the sky and wonder at the doubling of the Sun’s temperature of approximately 5778 K to over 1100 K. Of course Saturn’s orbit will widen just enough to swing round and envelope Earth into its fiery molten mass, and everything from the rise of humans from caves to the development of movable type to the discovery of the genome will be lost and forgotten forever, but then so will your library fines.

Don’t buy pets. If you own one, abandon it on a corner in an unfamiliar neighbourhood. Family relations will be the standard dysfunctional circus, so buy a clown suit. Remove all sharp objects from your home. A stranger will offer you a deal you can’t refuse. Accept it and get back to me.

The Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) 2014 will have a cataclysmic flow, a succession of calamitous events that will suck the life out of you. But you’ve been expecting this anyway, haven’t you? I mean you’ve had it so good for the last few years; it’s got to be time for your sick little Hello Kitty world to crumble. No? Don’t believe me? Then way are you reading this crap?

Your aura will dim in 2014. Then, evidence that you ever occupied space in the universe will disappear. People you’ve known all of your life will start calling you Larry and ask why you’ve quit pilates class. Avoid people of the Gemini persuasion – they’re jealous and dangerous when handling kitchen implements. Pluto will collide with Mercury, just saying. Oh, and your brakes will fail.

For Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) Communications break down in 2014, except for the people talking behind your back. They’ll be the nasty bastards who go all silent when you enter a room. The ones who slickly greet you all cheerful and say, “Hi Mildred.” Even though your real name is Norman, and only your mother calls you Mildred.

Satisfaction will be hard to come by in 2014 due to Saturn reversing its orbit and passing its gas. The future is your sworn enemy; forget that at your peril. It waits to pounce on you round every corner. Oh, hang on, I got that wrong. It’s not the future that’s your enemy. It’s the guy who still thinks you screwed him over that theory you were developing with that person with the item that you both thought should have been a concept but turned out to be a matter of indeterminate material. So, is that clear?

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) 2014 is a year of unlocking doors, and your home is bound to be burgled. Jupiter will be in Nairobi at the beginning of the year working on new internet scams, and Mars will be in retrograde round that tiny Russian GoPro satellite launched into space to monitor galactic collisions for insurance purposes.

That’s like that guy you hated in high school finding your lost winning lottery ticket and donating the proceeds the Mayor Rob Ford Crack Fund, because Rob Ford is just a fat, misunderstood gangster street drug addict who buys poor peoples’ votes with $20 bills. Golly, ain’t it weird how everything in the universe is connected? And really, how could I write this without mentioning Rod Ford at least once? It’d be like writing about Barack Obama and not mentioning what a fine Republican he is. I just hope all of this helps. You know, it’s not easy making up all of this shit.

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