from October 2011 – horoscope of the apocalypse – the occupy wall street edition

by dm gillis

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Aries, you’re a happy camper. What’s all this about Occupying Wall Street? You got your bonuses this year. You’ve got money hidden offshore. Your kids will get into Ivy League universities despite their crappy grades. And your nose is so far up your bosses arse, it would take backhoe to remove it. So go ahead and scoff at those ragged, unorganised OWS protesters being beaten by the cops. You’re Marie Antoinette. Let them eat cake. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re so patient and warm hearted, Taurus. A pack of degenerate Wall Street criminals stole your retirement funds, and you’re happily looking forward to working as a Walmart greeter until you’re 90. You’re the model citizen of the new normal. Now put your hand palm down on the desk, and stab it repeatedly with a screwdriver. Mad yet? 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini is the adaptable one. No job? Lose everything when Goldman Sachs decided to flush your future down a filthy Wall Street toilet frequented by constipated bankers? Homeless? Sleeping in abandoned cars? Panhandling from the very bastards who poured poverty over you and your family like a can of beige latex? Use your innate eloquence, Gemini. Choose a corporate executive and kick him in the nuts. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Oh baby! Cancer, you are the emotional one. You’re the one with the megaphone standing on the overturned, burned out Bimmer. Shout your personal manifesto. Provoke the masses. This is your moment to stand out in the crowd. Fellow OWS protesters cluster around and look up to you. Watch out for police snipers. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Don’t worry, Leo. There will always be food banks. You can always line up for a couple bags of charity groceries to feed your starving children. And hey, since you’re poor, and therefore paying a higher tax rate than Warren Buffet, you can take comfort in knowing that you actually have some clout in this world. I crack me up. 

Virgo (Aug 23 – September 22)

Your obsessive compulsiveness keeps you at home during the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations. You’re too busy lining up the slats in your Venetian blinds, and perfectly distributing the banana slices in the lime Jell-O to get excited about mass white collar crime, the concentration of wealth, the disappearance of the middle class and the curtailment of rights. Oh, hold on. Isn’t that the sound of your job being given to an eight year old in Bangladesh? 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re diplomatic, charming, sociable and urbane, Libra. Holy shit, you’re a corporate banker. Hey everyone, let’s get this asshole! 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The dark side of Scorpio is resentful and jealous. You covet and brood over the possessions and successes of others. Financial gain and material wealth will be yours. Just put on that black hood and pull out the ball peen hammer. They don’t call those stores Target for nothing. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Optimism is your worst enemy, Sagittarius. You think that cop in riot gear won’t beat you to a bloody pulp? Think again boy-o/girl-o. There’s a nightstick out there with your name on it. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Why are you even here, Capricorn? Just go home and rain on somebody else’s parade. 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Hey, remember that song Age of Aquarius by the Fifth Dimension. It sort of went: …this is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Like that was supposed to mean something. And there was that big fat guy in the group who looked like he was going to have a cerebral haemorrhage at any moment because he was such a damn lunchbox. Man did he sweat. I mean he sweat like no one I ever saw. And they put him on TV, for God’s sake. Wait a minute, where was I? 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Ask yourself, Pisces. What are your goals? Why are you really going to the Occupy Wall Street demonstration? Is it because the opposite sex digs a sensitive, radicalised anti-establishmentarian? Did you set the TiVo before you left? Did you get your flu shot? It’s already October, you know. Have you bought candy for the trick or treaters? Have you called your mother? Changed the oil? Paid Hydro? Flossed? Made funeral Prearrangements? Submitted a DNA sample to freeze for future use? People talk behind your back.

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