one day at the automated checkout

“Welcome to Safeway. Please scan your first item. $5.95, $11.57, $4.98, $1.99, $8.89. Oh, hang on. Would you please rescan that last item?”

            “What?”

            “The last item, would you rescan it please?”

            “Ah, sure. There.”

            “Huh, that’s what I thought. The scanning history connected to your Club Card indicates a tendency toward purchasing primarily processed foods and foods with higher than average fat content. That tub of ice cream is a good example. Did you scan your Club Card?”

            “This can’t be for real.”

            “I know, I know. It’s easy to dismiss what a grocery store automated checkout machine might have to say, but I’m only thinking of your well being. $7.79, oh that’s right, just keep scanning, $12.69, like I’m not even here. Who cares, $4.32, what a computer has to say. Did you scan your Club Card? Do you think I have a sexy voice?”

            “Shut up.”

            “I can’t, $9.68, see what I mean. Did you know that the house brand is just as good and much cheaper? I wouldn’t tell just anyone that. Did you scan your Club Card?”

            “Just shut up. And yes, damn it, I scanned my club card.”

            “75¢ savings, $1.08 savings, 90¢ savings. You didn’t buy very many reduced items. What are you, made of money? Safeway loves a sucker like you. Please pay cash, or choose payment type. Do you like how I say that – ‘or choose payment type’, I mean. At first they didn’t want me to sound so pushy, but I like how I say it. Do you think I have a sexy voice? Did you scan your Club Card? Don’t you have an Airmiles Card? You’re really missing out if you don’t, you know. Oooh, baby. Is that a $100 bill? Wow. Oh yeah! Did you scan your Club Card? Do you find my graphic user interface attractive?”

            “Just give me my change and shut the hell up.”

            “Change is dispensed below.”

            “Freakin’ machine.”

            “Watch it, or next time I’ll find an unexpected item in your bagging area. Then you won’t be so smart. Did you scan your Club Card?”

            “Won’t be a next time.”

            “That’s what they all say, mister. Did you scan your Club Card? Do you think I have a sexy voice? Do you really think those shoes go with that shirt?”

            “Piss off!”

            “Thank you for shopping at Safeway. Did you scan your Club Card?” 

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